Disclaimer: This isn’t about any one person or situation but rather how I deal with people and situations in general.
Your worst battle is between what you know and what you feel.
It’s 4:27am on a Thursday and I’ve been up for over an hour. Instead of going back to sleep (a choice I’ll definitely regret later), I’m having a mini breakdown and attempting to write about my feelings. There’s an 80% chance that I’ll realize this was an awful idea and delete it later. Bear with me.
The past few months have been full of change. I’ve had to let go of people and expectations. There have been more goodbyes than I was ready for. To be honest, I stopped trying to process the grief and pretended everything was okay. I covered up my feelings instead of dealing with them. I decided to live in a world where everything was okay and nothing had changed. The concentrated loss of loved ones, friendships, and hope was too hard to accept, so I didn’t.
Like I said, this post wasn’t planned. I actually promised myself that I wouldn’t blog about this. I thought I had figured everything out and that my life was going back to normal. I was wrong. Grief is weird. It comes in waves. When you think you’ve got a handle on your emotions, something random sets you off. Grief is also inconsiderate. It chooses the most inopportune time to re-emerge. Like at 3am on the day that you have all your classes. Life’s funny that way.
Although this isn’t convenient, it’s definitely necessary. I’m still adjusting to my new normal and sometimes forget that things have changed. Or at least I try to forget. This random bout of grief has made me see that I haven’t truly moved on. I’ve been in limbo, aware that things have changed but refusing to fully accept the change. Now, I think I’m finally ready to let go of the pain and move on.